Pallav Roxy: Gracefully Unoptimized: Where Life Happens Off Script

Spinning Into My 40s

Pallav Roxy — Fri, 03 Jul 2026 00:05:41 GMT

They say life begins at 40. I’m not sure who “they” are, but I suspect they’ve never tried spinning in circles for 45 minutes straight while repeatedly stamping their feet into the floor with increasing enthusiasm and decreasing heel support.

Yes, I finally did it — after decades of watching Kathak performances with starry eyes and telling myself “someday”, I signed up for Kathak classes. At 40.

When I was 9, I used to watch Kathak dancers glide and spin with the kind of grace that made time pause. I wanted that — the poise, the rhythm, the sound of ghungroos echoing like magic and I kept trying to find that joy in my life all this time.

Fast forward 3 decades, the stars aligned and I finally have the time, courage, and the right guru to chase that dream. What I don’t have, however, are the indestructible heels of a child.

Nobody tells you that Kathak involves aggressively introducing your heels to the floor approximately 8,000 times per class (yes I asked the LLM gods). By the end of my first session, my feet and I were no longer on speaking terms. And over the last one and a half years I’ve been training my feet to understand the rhythm better and my heels to be rockhard.

Grace Is Not Downloadable

My first class began with excitement, nostalgia… and confusion.

The instructor said, “Let’s start with tatkar.”
My brain said, “Got it.”
My feet said, “Absolutely not.”

Turns out, the foundational footwork of Kathak requires rhythm, balance, coordination, posture, expression, and the ability to smile while your heels are quietly filing a formal complaint.

Ghungroos Have Main Character Energy

After months of stamping my feet and making them stronger came the moment when my guru told me I was ready, and I was over the moon. Went back home and ordered those most coveted ghungroos. You’d think tying bells to your ankles would be straightforward. It’s not. It’s an experience.

There’s untangling. Re-tangling. Wrapping. Re-wrapping. Quiet panic when everyone else seems done in 12 seconds.

But the moment they’re finally on? Instant transformation. Suddenly, every step sounds important. Every movement feels dramatic.

Chakkars Are a Scam

If like me, you have grown up watching those classic Kathak sequences in bollywood movies where all the dancers are spinning looking ethereal, floating effortlessly like celestial beings touched by divine rhythm. You know I’m talking about Kathak spins - Chakkars.

But when I do them, I resemble a Wi-Fi router trying to reconnect.

Still, there’s something oddly freeing about spinning until the world blurs a little. For those few seconds, there are no emails, no deadlines, no mental grocery lists, no toddler tantrums. Just rhythm, movement, and the hope that you stop facing the correct direction and are able to still be stable on your feet.

Recovery Is Part of the Art Form

At 20, recovery meant drinking water.
At 40, recovery is an entire wellness protocol.

Post-Kathak life now includes:

stretching noises that sound suspiciously concerning
heel massages
explaining to people that no, I did not injure myself, I’m “learning classical dance”

The best part? I somehow look forward to it every single week.

Being a Beginner Again Is Weirdly Wonderful

There’s something deeply humbling about being bad at something you genuinely love.

At this stage in life, I had become accustomed to being competent. I know how to write beautiful code, I know how to channel my emotional intelligence, I know how to trick my daughter into finishing her dinner.

And then suddenly I’m in a dance class forgetting left from right while someone half my age effortlessly nails a 32-beat composition.

But strangely, it’s freeing too. There’s joy in learning without pressure. In showing up purely because something makes my soul happy.

The Pièce de Résistance

Rhydhun 2026 by Monsoon Dance Company. Picture Credits: Bruce Ghent Photography

And then came the moment I hadn’t even dared to dream about when I nervously walked into my first class a year and a half ago. My guru announced that our batch would be performing on stage.

My first thought? “Surely she means next year.” She did not.

For weeks, our classes transformed from “let’s learn a new step” to “again… and this time all together… and smiling… and in rhythm… and please remember where you’re supposed to stand.” Who knew counting to sixteen could suddenly become so difficult when there were lights, costumes, expressions, fellow dancers, and an audience involved?

The day of the performance, as I tied my ghungroos, I realized something. A year and a half earlier, I couldn’t even stamp my feet without wondering whether my heels would file for divorce. Now I was about to dance on stage.

Was it perfect? Not even close. Did I perform every step exactly as my guru had taught us? Obviously not. Did I secretly glance sideways once or twice to make sure everyone else was doing the same thing? I refuse to answer that. But somewhere between the first tatkar and the final sum, something magical happened.

Nine-year-old me—the one sitting in front of the television, mesmerized by Kathak dancers and quietly wishing “maybe someday”—finally got her moment. And I think she’d be thinking that’s pretty cool.

When you binge watch Spoken Fest

Pallav Roxy — Sun, 10 May 2026 04:23:34 GMT

आहटों के दरमियान

कुछ पल गुमनाम से

कुछ पल ठहराव के,

कहीं पर दस्तक

कहीं कोई आहट।

— — — — — — —

कभी जैसे हवा ने

कानों में कुछ कहा हो,

कभी जैसे लहरों ने

किनारे को छुआ हो।

— — — — — — —

इन पलों में छुपी

कहानियॉं अधूरी सी,

जैसे किताब के पन्नों पर

स्याही रुकी हुई सी।

— — — — — — —

कभी मुस्कान बनकर

चेहरे पर खिल जाते,

कभी आंसू बनकर

चुपचाप बह जाते।

— — — — — — —

जीवन की सीख

सच्चे आईने से पल सारे,

बेनाम हि सही

मगर मेरे अपने हैं सारे।

P.S: Inspiration from this comes from Kommune India’s Youtube channel. Go check them out and thank me later!

“Why? Why? Why?” — Debugging a Toddler vs. Debugging Production

Pallav Roxy — Sun, 10 May 2026 04:22:05 GMT

As a software engineer, I’m no stranger to the art of debugging. System crashes, mysterious failures, production outages — been there, done that. But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the world of toddler “Why” questions.

If you’ve ever participated in a Root Cause Analysis (RCA) meeting, you’ll recognize the eerie similarities between explaining a Sev-1 outage and answering a toddler’s relentless “Why?” barrage.

Let’s break it down.

The Incident: Reading her favorite book the umpteenth time

Time of occurence: 8 PM (right when you think this is the last time and you are ready for your downtime)
Severity: P0 (affects all household operations, threatens parental sanity)
Impact: Delay in bedtime, repeated questioning, potential philosophical breakdown

The “Why?”’s start

Me: “Mom said let’s go get our feet wet and Pete says No!”
R: Mumma, Why did Pete the Cat say no?
Me: Because he was afraid to go in water.
R: Why?
Me: Because the ocean was big.
R: Why?
Me: Because oceans are large and you can’t see the other end of it.
R: Why?
Me: Because the earth is covered in a lot of water.
R: Why?
Me: (at the end of my wits and patience reserve!) Because of science.
R: Why?

And just like that, you’re in an existential spiral, contemplating the fundamental forces of the universe, questioning your own life choices, and considering whether this is how you finally get into philosophy.

The Software Equivalent: A Sev-1 Outage RCA

Incident: Production system down due to unexpected error
Impact: Customer-facing services unavailable, frantic messages from leadership, engineers on high alert, an active and hot war room

Incident Manager: Why did the system go down?
Engineer: Because the database connection was lost.
Incident Manager: Why was the database connection lost?
Engineer: Because the server ran out of memory.
Incident Manager: Why did the server run out of memory?
Engineer: Because a background job started consuming excessive RAM.
Incident Manager: Why did the job consume excessive RAM?
Engineer: Because someone pushed an update with an infinite loop.
Incident Manager: Why did we allow an infinite loop into production?
Engineer: Because we didn’t have a check for it in our code review process.
Incident Manager: Why don’t we have a check for it?

And just like that, you’ve gone from fixing a server crash to questioning the entire philosophy of your software development lifecycle.

I can’t help but ponder over the common themes here:

The questions never end.
You will end up with a feeling of an existential crisis.
It starts with a simple Why? and ends up in Chaos
The resolution is never satisfying.

Handling a toddler’s Whys and managing an RCA both require patience, creativity, and an ability to pretend you know what you’re talking about. The key is understanding that some questions have no satisfying answers.

So, the next time your toddler asks “Why do I have to go to bed?” just remember — it’s basically the same as your manager asking, “Why didn’t we catch this bug before release?”

Both questions lead to sleepless nights.

Funemployment: The Reactions You Didn’t Know You’d Get

Pallav Roxy — Sun, 10 May 2026 04:20:05 GMT

Ah, funemployment. That magical time where you step off the hamster wheel of 9-to-5, hoping to find some peace, rediscover yourself, and maybe, just maybe, figure out what’s next. It’s a period of rest, rediscovery, and, as I quickly learned, a whole lot of reactions from friends and family that are almost as varied as my post-workday snack cravings.

So, what did people really think when I posted about taking a break from the daily grind? Well… a whole lot more than what I had expected! But mostly I could categorize them into a few quirky categories… so let’s just dive into them.

Category 1: The Happily Jealous Crew

First up, we have the Happily Jealous group. This category is dominated by my dear friends, mostly people with experience in double digits, who greet my funemployment news with a mix of envy and genuine happiness.

Their typical reaction goes something like this:

“Oh my God, you’re so lucky! I wish I could do that. You totally deserve it!”

They’ll then launch into a wistful monologue about how they, too, would love to take a break from the endless juggling act of work, family, and life.

The jealousy is palpable, but it’s the good kind — the kind where they want you to succeed in doing absolutely nothing productive for a while. They themselves have been pondering over when is the right time to rip off the bandaid and take the plunge. They fantasize about lounging in pajamas, sipping tea at 10 a.m., and binge-watching whatever’s trending on Netflix. And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t be happily jealous of that?

Category 2: The Assumers

Then there’s the Younger crowd. Their immediate reaction? Assuming my funemployment is code for, I’m now a full-time baby caretaker.

“Oh, so you’re taking care of the baby, right? That’s great! It’s so important to have that time with them.”

Cue the awkward moment where I have to explain that, no, this isn’t about diving into diaper duty or mastering the art of swaddling. Their expressions shift from confusion to mild horror, as if they’ve just realized they’ve misread the plot of a very important life chapter.

In their minds, anyone voluntarily stepping away from work must be doing so for child-rearing purposes. No baby? they think. Then why on Earth would you leave your job? The idea of just resting doesn’t seem to compute with these early on setters full of energy and youthfulness. Clearly, I need to reconsider my pitch.

Also, here’s the harsh truth: for many in the younger generation, there just haven’t been enough examples of people taking a voluntary break — especially outside of parental leave. And yes, I recognize the privilege of being able to afford this break with childcare still covered, which is its own complex truth bomb.

Category 3: The Spousal Approval Society

Finally, we have the Good for you brigade. Their response is a mix of thoughtful approval and low-key admiration.

“Good for you! You’re doing the right thing. My spouse left their job last year, and they’re so much happier now. They volunteer at the local shelter and have found peace.”

Ah, yes. The obligatory “my spouse is living their best life after leaving their job” story. This group seems to have a direct line to the gospel of funemployment, where stepping away from work equals enlightenment, happiness, and a sudden urge to volunteer and not return back to work.

They offer assurances, sometimes bordering on unsolicited life advice, about how wonderful it is to take a break (read: permanently leave a high-paying corporate job for “the good life”).

I nod along, imagining a future where I, too, will glow from within, exuding wisdom and grace (but for now, just getting through my reading list is enough).

The Verdict: Funemployment Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

The reactions to my funemployment have been as diverse as the snack options in my pantry — ranging from admiration to confusion to outright assumptions. And while each conversation has been an amusing journey into other people’s perceptions, one thing’s clear: everyone projects their own fantasies and fears onto the idea of taking a break.

Whether it’s about finding joy in rest, assuming a baby is involved, or crafting the perfect post-job glow, funemployment is, above all, a personal experience. So, to anyone considering it, brace yourself for the reactions, enjoy the ride, and remember: your break is yours to define — even if it’s just for catching up on those shows everyone’s been talking about, or just to relax your limbs, or for solving world hunger!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some very important fun to get back to.

P.S: Checked off the reading list — “Diary of a Young Naturalist”, “The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store”

Painting by Numbers: The Art of (Almost) Not Messing Up

Pallav Roxy — Sun, 10 May 2026 04:17:52 GMT

Wait, what? Paint by Numbers? The same thing we all did in grade school? It did indeed gather popularity as another hit quarantine trend, like Banana bread, Dalgona coffee and Sourdough starters.

Let me start by saying this: I did not buy a Paint by Numbers kit out of some newfound creativity or an inspired deep-dive into Instagram’s artsy rabbit hole. No, my journey with Paint by Numbers started much earlier. Years ago — when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I still thought I’d have time for hobbies — I had received a Paint by Numbers kit as a swag from an offsite.

At the time, I dreamed to filling those little boxes, sitting in a sunlit corner of my home, while sipping on a glass of wine and then smiled and promptly shoved it into a drawer, where it began its new life as a dust collector. Every so often, I’d glance at the box while looking for something else (probably missing socks) and think, “Maybe one day…”

Well, that day finally came. As my funemployment began, I took the kit out, dusted it off and set it up in a corner, well hidden from my two year old. There’s something deeply satisfying about opening a box where the creativity is pre-packaged for you. No creative block, no staring blankly at an empty canvas wondering, “What is life?” Nope, just me, some tiny brushes, and a palette of colors already labeled with numbers. It’s basically painting for people who fear judgment from their art teacher.

The Art of Filling in Tiny Spaces (And Making it Look Like You Meant To)

So, I got started. And at first, it felt like I was nailing it. “Look at me,” I thought, “I’m doing such a Good Job!” #GentleParentingFail The colors were coming together, the lines were crisp (okay, mostly crisp), and I felt like a creative genius who just needed someone to recognize their potential.

But about halfway through, I hit a snag. Well, several snags. Suddenly, the little sections seemed to blur together. I couldn’t tell if I was painting a lake or an abstract representation of my stress. The numbers on the canvas were mocking me, daring me to color outside the lines. And trust me, I did.

Pro tip: If you smudge the paint, just call it “artistic interpretation.”

The Messy Middle: AKA “Why Does My Mountain Look Like a Blob?”

Around the middle of the painting, things started looking… sketchy. Literally. My beautiful scenic view looked more like a toddler’s crayon masterpiece than the tranquil landscape I had envisioned. I questioned every life decision that led me to this point. Who needs hobbies anyway? I thought.

At this point, I was seriously considering throwing the whole thing in the closet and pretending I had never even heard of Paint by Numbers. I could have just done yoga, read a book, or binge-watched a Netflix show like a normal person. But there’s something weirdly addictive about filling in those tiny, numbered spaces. It’s like playing Minesweeper, but with art, and less chance of accidentally exploding (okay, may be a little more than less). So, I persevered.

The Big Reveal: Masterpiece… or Something Close to It

Fast forward a few (thousand) brushstrokes later, and the whole picture was finally coming together. It turned out that sticking with the process — despite every fiber of my being wanting to quit — actually worked. Who knew?

When I stepped back to look at the final piece, I realized two things:

1. I had definitely missed a couple of numbers (oops, actually more than a couple), and

2. It actually looked… kinda amazing?

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t museum-worthy. But it was done. And considering I managed to follow instructions (sort of) and not turn the canvas into a finger-painting catastrophe, I’d call that a win. Plus, it now serves as my new piece of art, and if anyone asks, I can proudly say, “Oh yeah, I painted that myself.” (Just don’t ask me to explain the smudges.)

Why Paint by Numbers Is the Perfect Procrastination Hobby

If you’re thinking, “Why would I spend time filling in tiny squares when I could just doom-scroll?” let me tell you: Paint by Numbers is the perfect balance of creativity without responsibility. There’s no judgment, no pressure to be good at it, and the sense of accomplishment is real.

It’s also the only hobby where you can say, “I’m an artist,” while clutching a brush the size of a toothpick and following a set of pre-designed numbers like your life depends on it.

So if you’re in the mood to pretend you’re the next Picasso (without, you know, the actual skill), give it a try. Worst case scenario? You end up with a painting that looks like modern art. Best case? You’ll surprise yourself and have a finished product to hang on your wall… or at least shove in a drawer for a rainy day.

And who knows? Maybe you’ll even learn to color inside the lines.

A Month of Funemployment: Finding Joy in Rest and Rediscovery

Pallav Roxy — Sat, 09 May 2026 22:57:54 GMT

It’s been a month since I hit pause on my career, stepping away from the hectic day-to-day of commute, meetings, deadlines and deliverables, and embraced what people call “funemployment.” After 16 years of non-stop work, the past few weeks have been a refreshing change of pace — a time for recovery, rediscovery, and reconnecting with life outside the grind.

The Not-So-Fun Start: Wisdom Teeth Extraction

My break started off with something that was definitely not on the fun side: a wisdom teeth extraction. Let me tell you, there’s nothing that will make you appreciate the little things in life more than being on a liquid diet for a week! Nevertheless — I made the most of it with some delicious mom-made soups. The recovery was slow and painful, but once the swelling went down, I began to rediscover the joy of solid food and, eventually, movement. Surprisingly, it was also the perfect excuse to lay low and focus on things I’ve been neglecting — like self-care.

Rediscovering Creativity: Paint by Numbers

One of the unexpected joys of this downtime was diving into paint by numbers. Never knew it could be so therapeutic. There’s something incredibly satisfying about filling up small boxes and see a blank canvas transform into a vibrant image #ZenModeLoading. However, I have come to realize where my feisty 2 year old gets her restlessness from (wink, wink :P)! I hope to soon complete this painting and share a picture for the records.

Literary Escape: Finishing 5 Books

I also took this opportunity to knock out five books and gaining back my reading rhythm. “Real Americans”, “Gender Queer”, “A Little Life”, “Unscripted” and “The Shadow of The Wind”. There’s something deeply fulfilling about finishing a book and feeling like you’ve added a little more to your own story through the words of others. It has certainly added to my competence of coming up with bedtime stories, so hit me up if you want to know how Ellie the Elephant found joy in sharing and playing or how Sarla the Sheep was able to get rid of her wool and enjoy the warm beach!

Binge-Watching Bliss: Catching Up on Web Series

I’m not ashamed to admit that I also spent some time catching up on my guilty pleasure… watching web series. Finally know why “This is Us” is so loved. “Sunny” was a pleasant surprise. Of course the latest of “Emily in Paris” is done and dusted. New season of “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power” is picking up heat.

Back to Basics: Setting Up an Exercise Routine

One of my goals during this break was to prioritize my health, which had taken a bit of a back seat in the hustle of life. So, I dusted off my workout gear and established an exercise routine that felt sustainable. The goal wasn’t to “get fit fast” but to develop habits that I can maintain even after I return to a more structured work life. It’s been energizing to move with intention and feel my body grow stronger, little by little.

Family Time: The Best Kind of Investment

But perhaps the best part of this month has been the time I’ve spent with family. Without the pressure of a packed work schedule, I’ve been able to engage more deeply in the everyday moments with them. We’ve shared meals, watched “Kaun Banega Crorepati”, zoomies in the playgrounds, and reading kids books for >6 times in a single sitting (My current favs are “The Lion Inside” and “Blueberries for Sal”). It’s been a reminder that, while work is important, nothing beats the connections we build with the people we love.

Looking Ahead

Now, as I inch toward the end of this month of funemployment, I feel recharged in a way I hadn’t expected. What started with a bit of uncertainty has turned into one of the most rewarding periods of my life. It’s a reminder that taking time off is not a setback — it’s a chance to reconnect with yourself, explore new hobbies, and reflect on what’s truly important.

So, what’s next? More of this, I hope, sprinkled with a bit of career exploration when the time feels right. But for now, I’m savoring the slow days and the rediscovered joys of simply being.

Women do wonders

Pallav Roxy — Sat, 09 May 2026 22:51:02 GMT

Had written this poem for all the awesome women I worked with back in 2018, was reminded of it by one of them recently. Realized that I never posted it publicly and since it was World Poetry Day on March 21, so here it goes.

Mango Trees have blossomed,

The sight of them does elate.

Spring is here, winter has faded,

Time is here to celebrate.

…

Celebrate me and celebrate you,

As we stand today aplomb.

And let’s celebrate those,

Who never left the womb.

…

Standing amidst the sea of Y,

We highlight the mark of X.

One in hundreds that we are,

Yet are called the fairer sex.

…

We have crashed barriers,

There is more out there to aspire.

We strike back again, we rise,

We shine, we are the Girls On Fire.

Women, Their day and Equality

Pallav Roxy — Sat, 09 May 2026 22:39:27 GMT

The world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8th, but for me that day brings back some sour memories and always gets me in a pensive mood. 19 years ago I had lost my grandmother on this day. I will always remember her warmth, her love, her care and her strength. She was one of those people who had a place in her heart for everyone around her. Immediate family, extended family, neighbors — everyone’s lives had been touched by her in some form. I have known very few women of her times, who believed in inclusion, tolerance, and love for all. My granny was one of them and she did make sure to pass all of those traits on to my mom. I hope that I am able to follow in their footsteps. This is what makes March 8th special to me.

Earlier, individuals or companies used to observe this day in whatever capacity they could, however explosion of social media has taken it to a whole other level. Closer to this date, we start seeing a surge of posts on feminine strength and how women have been breaking barriers and glass ceiling around the world. A lot of us are inspired, we talk about how it is time we treat all as equals but once March ends, do we walk the talk? Sadly most of the hoopla dies down once the day is past. Skeptics often retort by asking why is there no International Men’s Day? Well, there is one and it falls on November 19th. The sad reality of why there ever came a need to celebrate Women’s Day is lost on most of them. Also, with just celebrating Women’s Day for equality, don’t we only cater to one specific segment that lacked equality? Shouldn’t we all celebrate humanity and work hard to create a world where all are equal.

I know that it is easier said than done. In fact, till a couple of years ago, I used to go all out in recognizing women’s day, and also debating the need for it. However, over the past few years the books that I have read, the people that I have met and the experiences I have had, all have helped me to understand equality better. It is not about just women or men, it is about anyone and everyone. One could experience bias at any stage of their lives and for various different reasons. In this new world, what is required of every individual is to dig deep into their emotions and understand conscious and unconscious biases and take measures to correct them.

Before God, we are all equally wise, and equally foolish.
- Alber Einstein

Equality is not a mere buzzword, or a woke statement, it is the truth of the universe.

To the new and the old

Pallav Roxy — Sat, 09 May 2026 22:26:18 GMT

“Change is always constant” — one of my hight school teachers said during her last lecture to our class which was about to graduate, and what my nerd brain immediately mapped it to was the image below.

Today when I’m knowingly adopting a change, I can not help myself pondering over this. LOL. Look at me acting philosophical! Well, all I wanted to do was stress upon the fact that I’m changing to a newer platform to blog on once again.

I had ventured into the blogosphere over a decade and a half ago. It was a popular thing to do back then and most of my friends had been actively blogging when I finally thought of giving it a try. It was something that a lot of people did back then. Most of us had started our journey on RediffBlogs.com, a popular tool for bloggers in India. But just like how Facebook had wiped clean Orkut, Blogger.com had soon taken up our attention and we moved.

Over these 15 years, I’ve seen my friends opt out of the habit of sharing their thoughts with the world out there. Some got bored, some got busy. Looking back at the time when I had started blogging and thinking about my reasons to do it, I can’t believe I still keep coming back to writing. When I sometimes read my initial posts, I laugh at how stupidly innocent I was. I used to just write and publish all my fancies and not give it a second glance or thought.

I would like to think that my writing style and the materials have improved over the years. From my musings generated from a lack of amusement, I did graduate to wording a few poems. Oh well, I do wonder that did I actually improve or probably got mature or developed the inhibitions that come with growing old. Either ways, the changes in what I write about, how I write, are very evident and will live out there on the internet. But something is constant and that writing is therapeutic to me. Jotting down my thoughts and sharing it out loud with everyone, brings me a sense of calm.

So coming back to what I had started this rant with though. It’s been a few years since I last posted. It’s not that I didn’t write anything. I did start but couldn’t finish any of those pieces and hence no posts. But after the crazy 2020 the world has had I think it is time to start anew after the hiatus. And hence this post and a new start here at Medium. So here’s to “Change” and here’s to “Constant”. Cheers!